Positions v. Interests
In simplest terms, people come to family mediation because they “want” different things.
They communicate to the other party (and this can happen in a variety of ways) what they “want” - and this identifies the issue in dispute - as in - “we have different wants” on this issue.
What the parties say they “want” are their POSITIONS.
Here are some examples of positions:
I want to pursue every financial claim I would have before the Court - ie: in family mediation, I am not prepared to compromise on any money to which I may be entitled OR
I will not agree to shared parenting OR
I must have the right of first refusal - ie: the children should be with me rather than with anyone else if the other parent is not available.
To get to the true root, the core of the dispute, I say that a skilled mediator must “peel the onion” - take off the layers carefully to see what is underneath the parties’ positions - to get to and to learn about their INTERESTS.
Why is this important? Because understanding the interests may open up a whole host of solutions to the dispute - which actually address the parties’ interests in a way that may not be immediately obvious to the parties taking their positions. Here is what I mean (using the examples above):
POSITION: I want to pursue every financial claim I would have before the Court - ie: in family mediation, I am not prepared to compromise on any money to which I may be entitled. INTEREST: ….because I am worried about my financial future. I do not have any skills, I have been out of the workforce for many years, I cannot afford to retrain, which would give me more of a feeling of financial security.
POSITION: I will not agree to shared parenting. INTEREST: …because I cannot imagine myself being away from the kids for more than 2-3 days at a time. That is why they have to live with me full-time.
POSITION: I must have the right of first refusal - ie: the children should be with me rather than with anyone else if the other parent is not available. INTEREST: … the kids should be with family first - I am ok with the grandparents but not strangers like daycare or babysitters.
As mentioned above - peeling the onion, moving beyond positions and into understanding interests, may reveal potential solutions - here, those solutions may involve some funding for retraining, a residential schedule for the kids which involves parents having them no more than 3 days at a time, or an agreement that the right of first refusal kicks in only if neither the parents nor the grandparents can look after the children.
The questions to ask are actually two: first - what do I want? and second - why do I want this, or why is this important to me? A skilled family mediator will explore both those questions with the parties.
In preparing for family mediation, you should ask yourself those questions as well - for each issue in dispute.
©AJJakubowska
